When Insults Had Class
Back in the Day When Insults
Had Class:
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir, " said Disrael
"on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston
Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know." -Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar
Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack
E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -
Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
?
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho
Marx
These
excerpts from teenagers school essays! Some of them
make you say "hummmmmm.!!...what was
on their minds.."
Genuine? I know
not but some are very funny.
These are
taken from actual high school essays and collected by
English teachers across the country for their own amusement.
Some of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers.
What do you think?
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a
solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in
it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools
about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he
was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a
dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a
rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free
ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly
the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a
Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene
had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation
in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead
of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a
sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers
raced across the grassy field toward each other like two
freight trains, one having left Cleveland
at
6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from
Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with
picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and
she was the East
River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted
shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get
from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame
duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe
from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he
heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
These turned up on Saint Valentine's
Day 2009
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like if you like sports, she should like it that you
like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip
coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way
before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a
fool to get married." Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE
MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other
people." Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem
to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN
COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies,
and that usually gets them interested enough to go
for a second date." Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS
TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would
call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote
about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't
want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then
you should marry them and have kids with them. It's
the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one
thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I
don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
Anita, age 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I
wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I
did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have
her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE
DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come
chasing after us just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear
a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is
red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she
looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
WORLD
SURVEY BY PHONE
Last month a world-wide
survey was conducted by the
UN. The only question
"Would you please give your
honest opinion about
solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the
world?"
The survey was a failure
because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they
didn't know what "honest"
meant.
2. In Western Europe they
didn't know what "shortage"
meant.
3. In Africa they didn't
know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know
what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they
didn't know what "solution"
meant.
6. In Germany they didn't
know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't
know what "the rest of the
world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up
as soon as they heard the
Indian accent.
Errors & omissions,
broken links, cock ups, over-emphasis, malice [ real or imaginary ] or whatever;
if you find any I am open to comment.
Email me at
Mike
Emery.
All financial contributions are cheerfully accepted. If you want to keep it
private, use my PGP Key.
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Updated on
Wednesday, 17 April 2019 19:20:44
